- The Algonkian, New Series, #24, Fall/Winter 2006
Single Mother Miracle List
What Divorced Women Believe, The Algonkian Excerpt Fall/Winter 2006
Editor's Note: For her first novel, about a newly divorced mother of two, struggling to maintain her balance, Annie Downey followed the old dictum: Write about what you know. Here she demonstrates her empathy for the single mother--while exhibiting the main trait a divorced mother most needs: a sense of humor
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ONE of the boons of single motherhood, for me, is a new found belief in miracles. This is not some spiritual ideal I am speaking of, but the real, everyday kind. Having been a single mother for many years, I present here the list of miracles that single mothers manage to believe in:
1. We care about the way we look.
A single mom still gives a fig about dressing sexy, perchance she meets a man. Not just any man, mind you, but a single non ax murderer with some issues but not a lot of issues who still has some hair can tell a joke has a job doesn't mind if you have two beautiful but screaming brats trailing along after you kind of man. This type of belief is what is referred to as "normal" by her friends, "positive thinking" by her therapist, and a "fools fantasy" by her mother. Unless, of course, one's mother is single, too, like mine was. Then it's:"How many hits did you get today on your Match.com profile? I had twenty-two."
2. We believe that if we work hard enough and don't complain we will earn a "Do-Over."
After learning to live alone postdivorce by making a wide network of new women friends (dumpees like oneself), giggling along with our children when they call us "Psycho-Mom," letting our dogs sleep at the foot of our beds, painting our bedrooms pink, and finally clearing out the last bit of our ex's memorabilia from our houses (in my case it was a Star Wars collector plate), and then, perhaps, just for good measure, smudging our houses with sage, throwing a pound of salt over our shoulder, and sprinkling fairy dust in our hair, we single mommies feel we have worked hard enough to earn a new and improved relationship, a Do-Over. A Do-Over is a single mommy's second chance at happiness, or at least a roll in the hay (we're not picky).
3. We believe every word our sister dumpees tell us.
We work out and starve ourselves for months, we believe our dumpee friends who tell us we are one hot tamale, a firecracker, a whole new woman. SO WHERE THE HECK ARE THE MASSES OF MEN AT OUR FEET? I mean, we're not even getting a nod from the video store rental guy. When we confront our friends at the next girlie powwow, they don't even miss a beat: They say that we're so hot that the video guy (and all guys in general) sees us---and then sees the kids---and the guy just assumes we're married. Makes Perfect Sense!
With this new found knowledge (and because we have watched every DVD movie in existence), we decide to take a risk: We brave it ALONE, without the kids. We go to a bookstore (illusion of safety) at night--and we still don't get even a wink or a whistle.
4. We believe in lying to ourselves.
We believe the reason that men aren't looking at us in the bookstore--even though our kids aren't with us--is because we are so sizzling that men feel they aren't even in our league. Also, they think our overstuffed daily calendar is full of dates with men instead of therapy appointments, or they probabably assume (because we are so gorgeous) that we already have a boyfriend who looks like a young Robert Redford (OK, maybe a middle-aged Robert Redford).
5. We believe, even after years of not dating, that it is just a matter of time before Prince Charming will sweep us off our feet.
Single mommies remain convinced that someone wonderful is going to come along someday--maybe not today but someday. This faith keeps us going through years of long workdays, picking up the kids after school, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, and somehow making sure homework is done before we crawl into bed exhausd. It's just a matter of time, we think, it's just a matter of time.
6. It happens.
The miracle is that it did. It really did. To me. Well, maybe not by chance. I mean, yes, I had to work really hard for my miracle. As they say in the fairy tales. I had to e-mail a lot of frogs. And I had to hire a lot of babysitters, schlep through more than a few blizzards, and suffer through horribly uncomfortable dinners with people who didn't look at all like their photos. But a miracle did finally happen.
One night, twenty degrees below zero, I walked into a restuarant on yet another Match.com date, and this really, really handsome man stood up (he was better looking than his photo) and said, "Are you Annie?" And I said, "Yes." "I'm David," he said, and we both blushed. Over a plate of Panang cury I blurted out, "I just want gentleness and kindness." And he said, "Me, too." And, I should add, our first roll in the hay wasn't that bad, either. We've been married two years now.
- Our Lady of Single Mothers, Annie Downey, 2001
Single Mother Miracle
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